My Birthday!

So, yesterday was my birthday and what do you think?  I will tell you, honestly.  I woke up so happy due to me having my own place down the shore this year, as compared to last year of living with my brother who's not very happy.  
I get a text from my oldest daughter at 8:30 wishing me a Happy Birthday, see you later as we were having lunch together.  I do not hear from my other daughter or son, so I call my daughter around 9:30, and she doesn't even answer!  So, I text her if she wanted to have lunch with me and her sister for my birthday (as I don't even know if she did remember), and she text me back happy birthday, but she couldn't meet.  When I asked if we could have dinner Friday or Saturday night for my birthday, she didn't even respond back!! Wow, this is just crazy as my other daughter just ignored me for three weeks, and even blocked me, and now my other daughter is pissed?  

Cut me a break!  We did have a little spat a week ago, she wasn't in a very good mood and I said something about helping her again, and she didn't like it.   I got off the phone with her, but next time I will make sure when I hear that behavior in any of my children's voices I will get off the phone with them, and not allow them to use me as their punching bag, then holding that anger towards me, and being mad at me on my Birthday!  Wow, I just saw her two weeks ago with her boyfriend and my son, during their dog walk, and then we went out to eat.  We had an awesome day, my daughter was calmer than the last time I saw her, sometimes shes very anxious, like so many of us are.  

So, for her to not even want to talk to me on my birthday and wish me blessings, breaks my heart.  Obviously there is still so much pain in her heart from the past, the divorce, her Dad, and maybe me as well, that needs to get dealt with.  This will cause pain and hardship forever if it is not released, as I told my ex husband this when I was 20 years old, a Psych Major and always very deep.  I told him if you don't face your issues, and you push them aside, the pile gets bigger and bigger.  If we deal with them right away, it becomes easier.  I just heard a quote that I loved about allowing your feelings in, and when we heal them, they leave on their own.  

We all need healing, we all have been through so much.  I have caused my 3 children lots of pain, and have my own pain to deal with from abuse, and some days it gets so hard I'm done.  Done with it all, done with someone always being mad and upset with me, done with trying so hard to be near them and help them, when they don't want it anymore.  

I realize I did push my daughter away, by pushing too hard by bringing it up all the time.  That is when she finally told me to let it go, she is fine, and doesn't need my help.  But, yes, she was pretty angry and upset about it, so of course I was hurt.  But now I see, she is just trying to spread her wings and fly, and she has an amazing man with her, holding her hand.  So, yes, I am grateful, and always have been for him coming into her life, but as a single Mom, I want to help my children in any way I can, if I can.  So, I am letting it go, but still am hurt about her not even talking to me, or wanting to see me on my birthday.  I decided to wait until I see her to talk about it, because it is a deeper reason for this, one of healing that needs to happen.