Wow, how life turns out, who would ever know. To be raised in a lively, crazy environment, with six boys, then being married for so long with children, and lots of family around always, to being alone, definitely stinks!! I like my time alone, but love to do things with people, with others, sharing and communicating, and LAUGHING. I realized I do not laugh like I use to, no one in my life is funny anymore. My ex was the funny one, and I miss that so much. I still miss those family days when we were all together, and my children were all small. Today I am feeling sad to be alone in the house, I don't even know why. I am sad to not have my family anymore, and will always miss that, and it's hard to never remember those times again. So many memories, too many memories of my life with him and my children. All I ever wanted was to be a mom, since I was in High School and my brothers were having babies. I met my husband young, but had kids later after he got through Chiropractor School. I love family, felt a special bond to mine, and never wanted to break mine up. There are still days like today, I wish I never did. I have serious body pain that prevents me from doing almost everything I want to, including working. I somehow managed to go back to College, but its really hard and driving two hours to school a few days a week, along with watching four children part time for some income is hard. Harder than I ever thought it would be, because my body is in pain. I am trying to heal my body, so I can accomplish graduating, and make some type of decent salary.
I just miss everyone, family, friends, on a constant basis. The only people I really see constantly are my children, that's not enough! When I look at the people I know, and the support system they have around them, it's amazing. No one does things alone like we do, especially that it's me and my two daughters and son. We pretty much do everything alone, never asking for help from anyone, and no one ever offering. I have asked some brothers some of the time, but I know most of them don't have the time to help, or whatever may be the excuse. I am starting to realize how hard it is emotionally, to carry the weight of running a family alone, without much income, without a career job, and how much it has worn on my system. Ten years and I am shot, my body aches all over, everyday, and I just want it to end. I have cried many, many, tears, and need to move on. Letting go is a big lesson for me, so hard to just let go, and not miss the love, the laughter, the babies, the miracles, the bonding, the family holidays always.
Christmas was beautiful, I love to see my family even if things are going on, love always comes through on holidays! It was a beautiful day, I wish I remembered to videotape, my new thing I want to come back to. I got to see my nephews, great nephews I don't get to see so often. They were a ball of fun, so cute, it was a day full of love. I hope everyone, everywhere, had someone to share the holiday with love with. Being alone can be very sad anytime, let alone during the holidays. As for me, I will try to remember what to be grateful for, my three kids, my family, the health I have, the wealth I have, and pray for abundance of all!!
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