October 20, 2013
I have been studying all week because I went back to College, after many years.  I attended The College of New Jersey, and when I attended, it was TSC!  I have so many memories there, that is where I fell in love with my husband, and was on the Gymnastics Team!  I loved my time at school, young, free, finally away from home, and in love and working out in Gymnastics, which I loved!
Now, it is many years later, and I was accepted back in, with most of my credits in tact from years ago!  So, I only have a few semesters left to graduate with a Psychology Degree.
I have been in a weird mood all weekend, those days I feel so lonely, don't like my life, and can't wait for a change.  I know I am in charge of the change, but don't even know what will make me happy at this point in my life.  I still have days that I wake up sad I am divorced, and I split my family of five apart.  My children had to live for ten years, sharing their time between me and their Dad, each of us missing special, growing up time with them.  I missed so much, so many Holidays they went with their Dad, and having to share them during the school week, missing them so much when they weren't with me.  What type of man takes his children away from their stay at home Mother, and gets away with it?  How can a Judge decide on this when I wasn't sick, drunk, or neglectful?  I don't know how it would have happened, except for who my brother-in-law was at the time, Chief Detective to the Prosecutor's Office, after being a Policeman for 25 years! 
The tears I cried over loosing and missing my children still haunts me today.  Still, I have days like today, waking up so sad to not have my family any longer, so sad missing the man that I so loved, even through his angry moments!  And now, I have an entire future ahead of me to do anything I want, and I don't want anything but my life back, my marriage and children with me!!  It has been ten years, and still it gets to me, I still cry over it, and can't seem to shake the sadness for long.  It always seems to come back and haunt me.  I know to stay focused on my future, on what I want to manifest in my life, but I still go backwards.  So hard to always stay focused and positive, when your innate feelings are one of sadness and pain.
And pain!! And boy, do I have that.  I have been struggling with pain for years, have some herniated discs in my neck and back, and fibromyalgia that I just am starting to realize the pain it has been causing all along in my body.  The pain is there daily, constantly, some days, at least once or twice a month, it leaves me in bed for days due to the pain becoming so bad, it goes into my head, like a stabbing toothache, and makes me vomit.  Lately it lasts from three to four days in severe pain can't get out of bed, can't even deal with the pain either.  Then for one to two days of that pain I am vomiting, the pain becomes so bad it makes me vomit.  Or at least that's how I feel.  The Doctor's don't seem to know why I vomit, or know how to treat the pain.  I have been to so many different types of Doctors, with no help from them!  This, along with the rest of my life, make it just so much more fun! (lol) Ha!! I wish I could joke when I am in that type of pain, I feel I can't even live through the pain, I ask why? And how can no one be able to help me? 
So, I have the pain of the past haunting me, even though I stop those thoughts and re enter positive ones they still appear, the pain in my body, and the feeling of, "I can't do this any longer!"  I know I have to dream and believe I already have.  So, I dream of my home on the ocean or the lake, with the man I love and loves me in return, and my children, family, nieces, nephews, great nephews and friends.  All of us laughing and having fun, enjoying each other, enjoying the earth, the sun, the water, and thanking God and the Universe for it all!!!!